animemastera
*twirls around a few times* O.o OH, 'ello! Welcome to my little cloud of bloggitude!
I don't know where the crack begins, and I sure as hell don't know where it stops. I don't know if I've ever been whole inside. I don't know that this emptiness has really ever left. It's hidden away for awhile, but it keeps seeping through. I know there are people worse off than me. My life's not really that bad. But, that doesn't make me feel any better. Not a bit. It makes me feel so much worse to know that everywhere is suffering. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I just sit here, whispering into the air...wishing someone could hear. Wishing someone cared. That I wasn't just talking to myself. But, I am. My voice is just one among many, carried off by the wind.
My boyfriend, he's great...he really is. But... I get choked when I try and show him, tell him...all of this. And there's so much I can't say. An invisible barrier goes up every time I try to get closer. Open up. Confide. All those words that everyone wants from me. And, I don't know how. I want to. I really, really do. I just can't. I wouldn't know where to begin.
*sighs*
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I just sit here, whispering into the air...wishing someone could hear. Wishing someone cared. That I wasn't just talking to myself. But, I am. My voice is just one among many, carried off by the wind.
My boyfriend, he's great...he really is. But... I get choked when I try and show him, tell him...all of this. And there's so much I can't say. An invisible barrier goes up every time I try to get closer. Open up. Confide. All those words that everyone wants from me. And, I don't know how. I want to. I really, really do. I just can't. I wouldn't know where to begin.
*sighs*
I don't know what's wrong with me.
:
:+: stretches her arms over her head in a satisfied way, a relaxed yawn emitting from her lips :+:
Ahhhh. That's just what I needed. Some things aside, everything is looking up. ES College is flowing easier, I haven't had to hassle anyone. This weekend was just me, family, and babies. I'm going to co-write a book with one of my writing heroes! Go ES! I'm really pumped about that. Kind of nervous. Mostly pumped. I'm comfortable with how I look. My hair's nice and long, and I've been bothering my dad to get me to the dentist. Maybe I'll get braces before the years up. That doesn't sound like a good thing...but with my teeth? I really need braces. :+: chuckles :+: So far this quarter I've been doing a pretty a-okay
Ahhhh. That's just what I needed. Some things aside, everything is looking up. ES College is flowing easier, I haven't had to hassle anyone. This weekend was just me, family, and babies. I'm going to co-write a book with one of my writing heroes! Go ES! I'm really pumped about that. Kind of nervous. Mostly pumped. I'm comfortable with how I look. My hair's nice and long, and I've been bothering my dad to get me to the dentist. Maybe I'll get braces before the years up. That doesn't sound like a good thing...but with my teeth? I really need braces. :+: chuckles :+: So far this quarter I've been doing a pretty a-okay
job of getting things done. I've decided to forget the dream college for now and just go to Western. Saves money. And easier to get into in. Maybe I'll transfer later. I've decided to just wait and get a laptop. I don't really need one until after I start college. For now I have this old baby. My one month anniversary is around the corner, and I'm working on the gift tomorrow. I'm really excited. I have the best boyfriend in the world. Seriously, he's great. Another point for Elite Skills. This site has given me so much. With ES College, I hope to give back a little. I've been getting a little bit of work done on my ES Inspired story. Here and there. I feel like I have a tight circle of friends here. People who really care about me. And, this summer, I'm heading over to meet the best guy in the world. I love my Pillow. <3 I just feel really motivated and inspired lately. Like I can really do something in the world.
:+: smiles happily :+:
:+: smiles happily :+:
I give up; this isn't meant for me
"But..still...you're hurting and it's my fault."
"Oh, don't give yourself so much credit. I'm not hurting."
Not hurting? Not hurting? Oh, the lie. My heart is being ripped open again. And again. And again. Everyone I let near me, hurts me. Fuck you, Pillow. Fuck you, Kitty. Fuck you, love. *scoffs* As if you even exist. So tantalizing in your false fairytale. I'm done. I'm through. Please...just leave me alone...just...leave me alone. I don't wanna hurt anymore.
"Oh, don't give yourself so much credit. I'm not hurting."
Not hurting? Not hurting? Oh, the lie. My heart is being ripped open again. And again. And again. Everyone I let near me, hurts me. Fuck you, Pillow. Fuck you, Kitty. Fuck you, love. *scoffs* As if you even exist. So tantalizing in your false fairytale. I'm done. I'm through. Please...just leave me alone...just...leave me alone. I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Jai..Jai...Jai.
Why, Kitty? Why?
Such a player. He has Jai...I can't describe the way my heart felt when I read that. It still surprises me the way it breaks every time. I think I can't feel anymore, and it strikes again. Before...the word heartbreak made me scoff. It sounded so overused, so exaggerated. But, it's not. Not at all. I think others who've felt it understand. I'll never turn up my nose at the word again. Bless my naive heart. Where has it gone?
Why, Kitty? Why?
Such a player. He has Jai...I can't describe the way my heart felt when I read that. It still surprises me the way it breaks every time. I think I can't feel anymore, and it strikes again. Before...the word heartbreak made me scoff. It sounded so overused, so exaggerated. But, it's not. Not at all. I think others who've felt it understand. I'll never turn up my nose at the word again. Bless my naive heart. Where has it gone?
Believe them because you want to.
Why pretend to care? It's obvious you don't. Watch me fall about, but believe the smiles. Believe them because you want to. Even as I'm dying. Thriving through death. This agony that beats so tremulously against my ribcage is more than I can stand--almost. Some days, I convince myself I'm fine. Sometimes, a true smile lights up my face. It's so easy to be happy, so easy to momentarily lose myself to my optimistic nature. But, it's so hard to sit alone, battered by the constant assault of others' issues. As if my own weren't enough. I can't stand not being able to help. I can't stand not being able to fix everyone. I can't stand the unhappiness I see in the world. It's eating me alive.
He's playing with me. He played me. I was just a game to him. On the chessboard of my heart, he was the King and I? The pawn. Why am I still so obsessed with him? It's hard to be committed to anyone when my heart longs for him...How can I be so jealous of something that was never mine to claim? How can I be so selfish as to wish him to be mine? I don't deserve him. I never did. I knew that. But, I fooled myself. I believed him when he said he loved me. I thought I'd found acceptance. I loved him too, y'know. Still do. I convince myself otherwise at times. It's been three or four months. Maybe in six more I'll be completely convinced. Still, this ache in my chest. This nervous tick. I'm scared, y'see. Scared to love. Scared to trust. Even more scared than I was before.
I broke up with Mint and Bunneh--both good guys. I played Mint, really. It seems I'm adopting many of Kitty's philosophies. Even the ones I've promised to despise. His words were so heavily weighed in my soul, it's hard to rid my mind of them. They twist around in my mind, even when I'm not aware they're there. I still want to be the person Kitty wants me to be, even if he never again wants me. Wanna know what's funny? I'd take him back in a second. Even knowing...everything. I'd take him back. I'd let him play me like an old, broken guitar. Useless, but somewhat of a novelty. Now, I'm with Dan. He asked me. I wish I'd been strong enough to refuse. I know how this is going to end.
If only I could tell someone what Kitty REALLY was to me. I've said I was once in love with him, obsessed with him. But, I've kept his secret. I haven't told anyone how he strung me along. Not even Twinbee. Oh, how it'd hurt her. I can't do that. Even as she hurts me. I just...can't. I've got to be strong for her. I've got to be strong for everyone. But, I'm so weak. So very, very weak. God help me. Please, God, I know, I know. I'm undeserving, but you love us all equally. Bless you. Bless the Lord. Bless his constancy.
My mother doesn't enter my mind as much. But, it's still so confusing. And, my dad's falling apart. I don't know how to save him. I tried to convince him to get a puppy. I think it'd be good for him. But, he doesn't want one. I got him to rant to me a bit (discreetly) the other night. Poor guy was in a sour mood. He basically told me that when you're nice and caring just for the sake of being nice and caring{like him and me} people are going to abuse and use you. He told me not all people are nice and caring just for that sake. They don't mean to be jerks but, the opportunities there so they take it. He told me to make sure if I want to love someone, make sure I'm willing to be with them for a long time, because people change. I learned that a long time ago. Though, with Kitty, it seems I didn't learn it so well.
All my life...I've longed for that someone to fill my mother's place. Kim was my mother for a long time. She turned me away when I sought my real mother. She didn't want me anymore. Perhaps she had her reasons, but, regardless, it hurt. She's accepted me back now, but everything is different. I'll always love her, but it's awkward. My biological mom did come back, but she disappeared again. Taking my younger brother with her. I've no idea how to find that little guy, but I love them both with all my heart. Sometimes, I blame myself for not being enough to make her stay. Brenda, she never did like me. Wanted me gone. We fought a lot, but I loved her. Love her. I hate what she's done to my dad. But, kid myself as I do, I can't hate her. I just can't. Nor can I hate her two children, even as they spurn me. Brenda and Dad are separated now, and he's losing it. As I mentioned. There's one person who I found that I don't think would ever leave me. She's kind-hearted. She's been through hell and she's a tough heart, but she's a kind soul. The world hardened her outlooks. Fuck the world. She's got pancreatic cancer. That's terminal. About a month ago, she was lucky to make it six months. She's dying. Slowly and painfully. I must trust God will take care of her. Someday I hope I'll be able to see her again.
I failed my driver's test today. I'm seventeen. Fish still won't talk to me. I miss him so much. I started to tear up as I wrote that. It's hard to think about how he gave up on me when I needed him most. I blame myself for that too. If only I'd be stronger. If only I'd paid less attention to me. I'd still be there for him. I'd still be around to give him the words of encouragement he needed. Of course, I know I'd never mean as much to him as Taran and Kitty, but when it came down to it, he'd look to me for help even when he didn't know he was doing it. Ask him who's always there for him, he'd say Taran and Kitty. He often did. But, I don't need credit. I just wanted to make him happy. He's my best friend. I might not be his, but he's mine. I'd do anything to give him happiness. He truly deserves it.
I want to die. I know it's selfish. But, I do. Or...just disappear into a space bubble and float around for eternity with the visions of my imagination and the world to see. I feel like I'm dying. I hurt like I'm dying. But I'm alive. I hurt because I'm alive. I should appreciate the gift of life God's given me. In a way, I do. I just wish he would call me home. I just wish...I don't know. I wish I could make everyone's lives perfect. I wish others wouldn't know pain. Even though I've said many times over that I want to die, I'd gladly take the world's pain and hide it in my heart if it meant everyone else would be happy. 'Course, I say that now...I hope I'd hold that true. I don't see why I wouldn't. Even now, it's others pains that kill the most. Knowing I'm too weak to help. Too stupid to do something. Too ridiculous to maintain motivation. I'm an useless person. I don't deserve the gift of life. I don't....I just...don't.
Look at how I rant. Desperate. Like anyone cares. Like it matters. Everyone hurts. (ugh. how I wish that weren't true) I need to suck it up and fix things. I need to...be better. I need...to ...to... I don't know.
He's playing with me. He played me. I was just a game to him. On the chessboard of my heart, he was the King and I? The pawn. Why am I still so obsessed with him? It's hard to be committed to anyone when my heart longs for him...How can I be so jealous of something that was never mine to claim? How can I be so selfish as to wish him to be mine? I don't deserve him. I never did. I knew that. But, I fooled myself. I believed him when he said he loved me. I thought I'd found acceptance. I loved him too, y'know. Still do. I convince myself otherwise at times. It's been three or four months. Maybe in six more I'll be completely convinced. Still, this ache in my chest. This nervous tick. I'm scared, y'see. Scared to love. Scared to trust. Even more scared than I was before.
I broke up with Mint and Bunneh--both good guys. I played Mint, really. It seems I'm adopting many of Kitty's philosophies. Even the ones I've promised to despise. His words were so heavily weighed in my soul, it's hard to rid my mind of them. They twist around in my mind, even when I'm not aware they're there. I still want to be the person Kitty wants me to be, even if he never again wants me. Wanna know what's funny? I'd take him back in a second. Even knowing...everything. I'd take him back. I'd let him play me like an old, broken guitar. Useless, but somewhat of a novelty. Now, I'm with Dan. He asked me. I wish I'd been strong enough to refuse. I know how this is going to end.
If only I could tell someone what Kitty REALLY was to me. I've said I was once in love with him, obsessed with him. But, I've kept his secret. I haven't told anyone how he strung me along. Not even Twinbee. Oh, how it'd hurt her. I can't do that. Even as she hurts me. I just...can't. I've got to be strong for her. I've got to be strong for everyone. But, I'm so weak. So very, very weak. God help me. Please, God, I know, I know. I'm undeserving, but you love us all equally. Bless you. Bless the Lord. Bless his constancy.
My mother doesn't enter my mind as much. But, it's still so confusing. And, my dad's falling apart. I don't know how to save him. I tried to convince him to get a puppy. I think it'd be good for him. But, he doesn't want one. I got him to rant to me a bit (discreetly) the other night. Poor guy was in a sour mood. He basically told me that when you're nice and caring just for the sake of being nice and caring{like him and me} people are going to abuse and use you. He told me not all people are nice and caring just for that sake. They don't mean to be jerks but, the opportunities there so they take it. He told me to make sure if I want to love someone, make sure I'm willing to be with them for a long time, because people change. I learned that a long time ago. Though, with Kitty, it seems I didn't learn it so well.
All my life...I've longed for that someone to fill my mother's place. Kim was my mother for a long time. She turned me away when I sought my real mother. She didn't want me anymore. Perhaps she had her reasons, but, regardless, it hurt. She's accepted me back now, but everything is different. I'll always love her, but it's awkward. My biological mom did come back, but she disappeared again. Taking my younger brother with her. I've no idea how to find that little guy, but I love them both with all my heart. Sometimes, I blame myself for not being enough to make her stay. Brenda, she never did like me. Wanted me gone. We fought a lot, but I loved her. Love her. I hate what she's done to my dad. But, kid myself as I do, I can't hate her. I just can't. Nor can I hate her two children, even as they spurn me. Brenda and Dad are separated now, and he's losing it. As I mentioned. There's one person who I found that I don't think would ever leave me. She's kind-hearted. She's been through hell and she's a tough heart, but she's a kind soul. The world hardened her outlooks. Fuck the world. She's got pancreatic cancer. That's terminal. About a month ago, she was lucky to make it six months. She's dying. Slowly and painfully. I must trust God will take care of her. Someday I hope I'll be able to see her again.
I failed my driver's test today. I'm seventeen. Fish still won't talk to me. I miss him so much. I started to tear up as I wrote that. It's hard to think about how he gave up on me when I needed him most. I blame myself for that too. If only I'd be stronger. If only I'd paid less attention to me. I'd still be there for him. I'd still be around to give him the words of encouragement he needed. Of course, I know I'd never mean as much to him as Taran and Kitty, but when it came down to it, he'd look to me for help even when he didn't know he was doing it. Ask him who's always there for him, he'd say Taran and Kitty. He often did. But, I don't need credit. I just wanted to make him happy. He's my best friend. I might not be his, but he's mine. I'd do anything to give him happiness. He truly deserves it.
I want to die. I know it's selfish. But, I do. Or...just disappear into a space bubble and float around for eternity with the visions of my imagination and the world to see. I feel like I'm dying. I hurt like I'm dying. But I'm alive. I hurt because I'm alive. I should appreciate the gift of life God's given me. In a way, I do. I just wish he would call me home. I just wish...I don't know. I wish I could make everyone's lives perfect. I wish others wouldn't know pain. Even though I've said many times over that I want to die, I'd gladly take the world's pain and hide it in my heart if it meant everyone else would be happy. 'Course, I say that now...I hope I'd hold that true. I don't see why I wouldn't. Even now, it's others pains that kill the most. Knowing I'm too weak to help. Too stupid to do something. Too ridiculous to maintain motivation. I'm an useless person. I don't deserve the gift of life. I don't....I just...don't.
Look at how I rant. Desperate. Like anyone cares. Like it matters. Everyone hurts. (ugh. how I wish that weren't true) I need to suck it up and fix things. I need to...be better. I need...to ...to... I don't know.
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